Part 1 - My Journey of Masculine and Feminine

Note: This post is not about gender, but rather energies and qualities that I associate with those energies. It is my opinion, based on my experience and beliefs. Transphobic energy, and any Saviour energy is not welcomed here.

Trigger warning: speaks of sexual abuse, death...basically I come with a trigger warning. Please give yourself permission to do what is best for you when it comes to consuming this post.

As you may know if you follow me on the socials, I have been recording a podcast with Iris Fritschi-Cussens. I think one of the most incredible parts of it, has been communing with someone who makes me think and question myself in a non-judgemental way.

In one episode we touched on Feminine and Masculine energies. Like many things we spoke about it gave me cause for reflection and contracting Covid at the end of June (still healing) gave me the space to think about it more. Here are these thoughts as I try to trace my relationship with masculine and feminine. They aren't arranged in flowy writing, just bullet points of what I did, when, and why...and maybe at the end of it I can use all these bullet points to create something better to read

My early years observations

• I had/have been living in a masculine energy for a long time. I would say I started consciously embodying it after being molested as a child, and then when my little brother passed on, I think I might have unconsciously wanted to be more "boylike" to ease my parents loss.

• Being a tomboy was a very safe and also fun energy to embody, I could be silly, fart, jump around, but I was also safe, less likely to be seen by bad people who would want to hurt me.

A very feminine representation of my younger-self, at 5. The one who couldn't speak about what had happened to her.

• In school, it was so much easier to be masculine, especially when my friends were hyper-feminine. It meant annoying boys would leave me alone, but still play with me, coz I was rough enough to be included. It meant being a protector for those outwardly feminine friends.

• As a fat kid, it meant that I was less likely to be bullied, if I could fight back with words, swearing, and even the odd punch.

• Then I started growing up...puberty, teenage-hood...FML

• For the outward expression of the feminine I had two extremes. Little to no guidance from my mother, or shame in the form of comparing herself, her style, looks, to me (I love my mum, she is hella flawed and also hella awesome). OR pressure from my cousins and aunts to dress up, lose weight, wear makeup etc. which were communicated via offhand comments, serious 'concerned' discussions, or worse, in the case of some of my cousins, being made the butt of the joke in front of strangers, being ostracised and ditched in malls because I wasn't pretty/cool enough.

• However in school my pool of friends had changed, and while I did have a toxic bestie, she helped me shift my energy (probably as she was more the masculine in our relationship), and I started embracing my feminine more.

• For the inward expression of the feminine, I did have some 'good' examples, but a lot of them had an oppressive idea of religion as their compass, so it rubbed off on me too. For the religiously motivated qualities they wanted me to have, the things I could not abide (and neither did my mum) I balked against , and decided to be more like my dad, I idolised my father and wanted to be like him.

• Slowly as I hit 16 I started becoming more outwardly feminine, and inside, I started learning about the strength of a woman, and the strength in softness. It was nice to have new examples, outsourced. I looked up to an Aunt who wore kaftans, spoke about interesting things, drank whisky and was so compassionate, vibrated so differently - she became a secret dream of what I wanted to be.

• Then my dad died, and suddenly, the woman I was becoming, the one learning to be soft, and nurturing died too. I was still outwardly feminine, I had the trappings of a woman, but inside I had to be a man, a father even a husband in some ways.

So that brings me to the end of part one early life 5 to 17 years old

My key takeaways from this section are:

• I was masculine to be safe

• I often embodied it to plug holes/fill gaps/roles in others lives (my brother and dad)

• I suffered psychological and physical abuse for being in a masculine energy

• There was a shift when my circle expanded, and I understood the people I was most exposed to weren't the only way to live

• Feminine to me was an outward expression, and inward qualities

• Lack of guidance for my younger female self is a wound I carry

Caveats:

• Not all black and white and gloom and doom!

• People are varied, and so am I. Just because someone did X, Y, Z to me doesn't mean that they also didn't help me with A, B, C

I hope that this helps you unearth some of your memories? Or makes you think in some way.

Again, I know it's not a traditional blog post, but I feel SO LED to write this post in this way, and I am not sure why!

Tamara (who is also Tamka) out!